Our journey to the island nation of Hawaii will be a long and perilous one taking place in three stages.  First, we must escape Manhattan.  This is not easy.  Manhattan is designed to keep people from departing.  Only 21 bridges connect the island to the rest of the world, along with a few tunnels.  That’s roughly 71,000 permanent residents per bridge.  Most of these exit routes are heavily fortified with toll plazas and blocked travel lanes, making escape by car slow and expensive.  Not everyone makes it.  

Escape by train is possible but not without risk.  Navigating Penn Station can cause insanity even in the most mentally agile.  Its nonsensical pathways and architecture, designed to create malignant hostility in those who dare cross its threshold, cause good people to go mad, as has already happened with all Long Islanders and many New Jersey residents.  Survive Penn Station and you face John F. Kennedy International Airport – a horror show of horrors no one dare writes about for fear they become the next victims.  I cannot – should not – say more. 

The second phase of our journey takes us through the Country of Mormonia, colloquially known as Utah.  Salt Lake City is the capital of this land, which is filled with remarkable geological treasurers.  Remember all that fuss about Muslims establishing an area of Sharia Law here in the U.S.?  Turns out a religious group already DID that.  Fortunately, they’re 80% white and usually vote Republican so nobody much noticed or cared.  

Mormonism is the fastest growing religion in the world.  Average families have 3.4 children, which is considerably higher than the worldwide or national averages.  Founded in 1830 by Joseph Smith, the Mormons moved to Utah from upstate New York to escape persecution.  Generally Mormons tend to be very active within their congregations, when compared to other religions, and many – religiously –  follow the 10% tithe rule their entire lives.  This means the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has an enormous amount of money. Like, gobsmacking.

I vaccinated two Mormons on their mission trip.  These trips are completely funded by the church.  One of the individuals wanted to go to Haiti but was assigned to Brooklyn due to the pandemic.  He seemed disappointed.  I think it’s known globally Brooklynites are all going to Hell, if only because of their obnoxious obsession with craft beer.  I think my patient felt he could do more in Haiti to help his fellow human.  Plus, Mormons do not drink alcohol.  Even craft beer made lovingly by local breweries who care a lot about “community” instead of big, bad corporate conglomerates whose beer tastes bland and mass produced. Real men and women drink whisky, not flavored bread soda, so the entire argument, either way, is lost on me.  If you don’t have desk whisky, then let’s speak again when the training wheels of your alcoholism have come off.     

Finally, the third trial, we attempt entry into the island nation of Hawaii, specs of volcanic rock surrounded by the largest ocean on Earth.  From NYC, Honolulu, the capital, is almost 5000 miles away.  This means Hawaii is actually farther than most Western European capitals, like Madrid, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Brussels, Lisbon, Munich, and Rome.  So if you’ve traveled to Hawaii but think Europe is too far, reconsider.  As foreign countries go, travel to Hawaii is not difficult.  They use the U.S. Dollar, for example, and also speak English.  You will need a visa, in the form of a negative COVID test, taken 72 hours prior to the last leg of your journey before arriving.  This requires some complex time zone math best left to NASA engineers.  I had to use Excel and it took me an hour.  Hawaii is six time zones away from EDT, but Salt Lake is only two, but the window opens 72 hours from that flight, not my first flight, thus I need to subtract … you know what, it’s just not knowable.  

While passport control is cake, there are controls on the import of some fruits, vegetables, and fauna from the U.S.  Pineapples can leave, but they cannot be brought in.  Fortunately, I rarely travel with plant matter.  As I mentioned, COVID screening is pretty involved.  I will need a test, which is done.  They will do a health screening upon arrival and check my phone, to make sure I gave them my actual phone number.  I have already filled out an online profile with all my personal and travel information, including a picture of myself.  I used this one:  

Every leg of my journey will require a COVID test.  This means I will do three in total.  It is worth noting traveling to and from South Africa took less paperwork and effort.  And only a few additional hours.  Total travel time is expected to be around 18 hours, if all goes well.  Given the realities of international travel in the pandemic era, you can never assume they will. 

Three gauntlets to pass.  Will our intrepid, solo traveler prevail, or will he be lost forever in the pleural space of the country?  From Delta 886, we’re about to find out.