One of my rash guards is a deep blue, the same color as Tarzan.  He was not pleased with my choice.  I think he thought I was encroaching on his lady.  I ended up changing to keep the peace.  Do not wear blue if coming here. 

I met a fellow lighting guy.  His name is Hansen and he works for NBC Universal, but in the theme parks division.  He and his wife live in Florida.  I told him about my situation, and then I think he offered to help me get a job with NBC.  This happens more often than you’d believe.  I think people feel bad for me.  He really likes the culture at Comcast (who owns NBC).  Anyway, I promised to reach out to him upon my return.  Our wives were collectively rolling their eyes as we discussed lighting, consoles, and our work.  

RBD and I explored living in New Zealand during our last trip there.  The main issue we found is that to leave New York City’s massive economy and live in a much smaller economy would mean accepting less buying-power, less choice, and live with fewer options.  I’ve noticed that idea continues here. 

Ivan, an Assistant Chef, immigrated here from The Netherlands twenty-six years ago.  He’s never going back, particularly now that he has a wife and kid.  I asked if he visited, and he said no.  He added, “With a child it’s just too expensive.”  Gustav, similarly, also mentioned the prohibitive cost of traveling to see his sister in Staten Island.  Locals here tend to vacation in country.  I think this holds true for large chunks of the U.S. also.  

Contrast this with New Yorkers, where you can’t fly far enough away on this planet to escape them.  Travel, then, is a function of economic decisions (like where you live) made, more often than not, accidentally and early in life.  Some of my liberal friends point out statistics of passport ownership in Middle America (it’s quite low) and make the case an entire populace has no interest in international travel, which somehow explains the ills of the United States.  That fits a stereotype Northeasterners carry but, as always, the truth is more complex.

The lesson I’m learning is to be careful where you live and what you spend while living there.  RBD and I have made innumerable, very purposeful economic decisions which, collectively, have granted us options others do not enjoy.      

Our time together has come to a close.  Before we part ways, there are two points about marriage I want to make, seeing as this is our ten year anniversary. 

I mentioned when we started this journey I had worked hundreds of weddings early in my career.  Bearing witness to that large a sampling, I noticed all the speeches were generally the same.  The Bride’s younger sister’s speech, the Best Man’s speech, or the Father of Bride’s speech all followed the same pattern regardless of religion, ethnicity, or income level:  Welcome to the family, I’ve not lost an X but gained a Y, an odd anecdotal story about the couple’s meet-cute or, in the case of younger siblings, a time mom doesn’t know about where they broke the rules which shows what kind of person so-and-so is, if only [your dead relative here] could see you now they’d be so proud, and concluding with strong words of love for the couple.  God, strangely enough, never gets a nod in all this.  I guess He got enough love at the ceremony. 

One speech, however, stands out.  The owner of The Lighting Design Group, the company I work for, asked me to work his friend’s daughter’s wedding.  Her father stood up to toast the young couple and give, what I assumed was, the standard stump speech.  He didn’t.  Holding his glass he said, “I just want to give one piece of advice.”  He spoke directly to his daughter and new son-in-law sitting in front of him.  He stood on the dance floor, all the lights pointed at him (that was my doing).  “In marriage, you can choose to be right or you can choose to be happy.  Choose wisely.”  He raised his glass as the room chuckled.  

I’ve thought a lot about those few words.  Tucked between the simplicity resides an important truth:  When we choose to be happy, we let things go.  My egocentric want to be right runs secondary to the health of my relationship with RBD, because insisting I’m right means, if slightly, putting her down.  While I recognize it satisfies some deep seated craving within, a one-upmanship need humans develop early and never fully let go, I also realize that to stay married it is not helpful.  I choose to be happy, because it’s better than being right … and alone. 

The second point, which stems from the first, I didn’t appreciate when getting married.  I think no one fully does.  Marriage, at its simplest, is a promise to put us before me.  Not my needs first, not my spouse’s needs first, but our needs first.  It runs contrary to how, up until saying “I do,” things previously ran.  As egocentric creatures, our needs and wants always came first.  My young nephews terrorize their environment, imposing their needs and will on anyone in the blast radius with the subtlety of a ten mile wide asteroid impact.    

Now, after two decades or so of me, me, me, everything changes.  Rather, the needs of this unique and esoteric thing, this relationship of ours, take center stage.  It’s a radical shift.  Add kids into the mix and my personal needs and wants just get pushed further down the list.  The kids’ needs become our needs.

As a teenager I never wanted to get married.  In retrospect I think I just never wanted kids and equated marriage to children.  If I didn’t want one, then the other seemed unnecessary.  RBD changed my mind (about the marriage bit, at least ).  I’m glad she did.  I have trouble comprehending how fast these ten years passed.  Since time continually speeds up as you age, the next ten will only feel like 7.92 years (2,889 days), according to my calculator.  A sobering thought.

I don’t know what the next ten (which will feel like a little under 8) years hold, but I do know I have come along way since our last trip to Costa Rica ten years ago.  Being married has made me a better human being.  I am a kinder, less selfish, more magnanimous and tolerant person.  Over time my focus shifted from myself and my petty concerns to the world around me.  It’s like I woke up.  It’s not about me anymore, but, rather, about all of us. 

I want to thank you all for coming along.  It means a lot, and I appreciate your time and comments back.   

In late May mom and I will travel to Riga and London.  My work is going to be SUPER pissed (again) when that comes around.  Then RBD and I will visit Barcelona in September to celebrate her 4th decade of life.  Neither of us have ever been.  I’m also excited to announce in November of 2020 we’ll be going on safari in South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Botswana.  This May we put a deposit down and made it official.   

Additional pictures will be available on my website (www.lancedarcy.com) in a few days.  Or on Facebook.  My perennial offer still stands:  If you want a digital file, please just ask.  If you want a signed print, shoot me a line and we’ll discuss. 

Again, thank you.

From Atlanta, signing off.